Before I begin, I would like to inform the reader that I do not write these things to boast. I write these details in order that you can fully understand this state that I am in. I do not negate the hard times, I do not negate the fact that we all have seasons of trials and testing but here I want to explain my coming out of such a season and show how good my God is. I want to emphasize HIM and shrink the view of me. I had nothing to do in these matters. I am daily humbled because of all of this.
2009 was a strange year. Probably one of the most eventful years of my life thus far. I began my fall semester in shambles. I was broken. So much negative happened in the shortest period of time. I found myself crying and getting frustrated. My dreams had shattered and all of my plans vanished. I was at ground zero. I had nothing and had nothing to look forward to [in my perspective]. I wanted to give up on most of what I was involved with and to be honest, I pretty much did. The only thing I knew to do was to do my homework, be a good worker at Starbucks and continue eating, sleeping and breathing. I began losing sight of why I was in Portland, why I was at Portland Bible College and really what my purpose was. I continued to sink. I wanted to be full of joy again like I had been in the past but I just didn’t know how. I kept seeking God–those times were the only things I believe pulled me through that whole time. I poured myself into my work, which led to a promotion. While being excited about it in some aspects, it only pulled more time away from friends and church and homework.
Christmas break. I was at the end of my rope. I highly considered leaving PBC and moving home to do….God knows what. I was just done. A few other unfortunate events took place at the beginning of the break and then SUDDENLY I was literally left with nothing but a Bible. For a week straight I woke up each morning and went to a coffee shop for a few hours to do my devotions. I had no one to even bring. I felt alone and broken and worthless and tired. Funny though…
One week of hours upon hours of devotions really does something to you. Multiple times a day I listened to a 22 minute song by IHOP (International House of Prayer) that just repeated God’s perspective on me. God kept giving me little reminders of how good He is and how He actually likes me. In fact-He loves me. By the end of this week of seeking God, I found myself smiling a lot more. I found myself going to work with a new mindset. I did nothing to get this job. And I’m not actually working for Starbucks-I’m working for my God. What should my conversations at work look like? Why have I been so afraid to talk about God at work or invite people to church at work? Why haven’t I been doing what I’ve been reading in my Bible for so long? God’s been guiding amazing conversation at work now.
School started up again and that changed too. Was I there for me? Not anymore. I realized that I am surrounded by these people not by chance but because God had a purpose in it. It’s not about “Oh, poor me… I have no friends.” It became about “Wow, they don’t have anyone to hang out with… I’ll be their friend!”
I got my work schedule changed so that I could consistently go to church! I got to switch campuses and even there, I began to see that church isn’t even for me. It’s about serving. It’s about helping other people. It’s about getting into other peoples’ lives and building relationships. Somehow along the line I lost sight of that.
All of these things started to fall into place and it’s funny…. I keep smiling.
I did nothing to get my job. [in fact, each day I am working I wonder why in the world my boss ever decided it was a good idea to promote me. I am so ill-equipped. I am humbled every time I walk through those doors.]
I did nothing to change the atmosphere at my work. [seriously I never would have imagined some of the conversations I am having with different people... it astounds me.]
I did nothing to put the circumstances just right for me at 217. [i'm beginning to see that my vision to be in youth ministry was not my dream at all. it's at the beginning stages but every week i get more and more excited when i begin one more relationship there]
I did nothing for the relationships at school to start to blossom. [yet daily, people i never thought i'd be friends with are becoming closer and closer to me]
It’s like I’m just watching my life unfold. It’s like somewhere I realized that I had no control in it anyway, so why would I even try it? I think God keeps chuckling when He sees me re-realizing over and over that I am not in control. He smiles and just says, “She’s got it again. That’s my girl.”
I wake up each morning and remember that this life is not my own.
I am thankful.
I don’t deserve a fraction of this life.
My God is SO FREAKING GOOD!!
This is where I learned it.
A friend of mine, Micah Thorner, was talking in chapel one day. He gave this awesome picture of Jesus on the cross when He said, “Father, why have you forsaken me?” It was as if Jesus was a little kid running up to their parents with their arms up yelling, “Mommy, mommy! (Or daddy, daddy!) Pick me up!!” And all the parent could do is say, “No. I don’t want you. I can’t pick you up.” When Jesus was on the cross, He was bearing the weight of all our sin. God cannot be with sin. God could not even look at His own son.
Let me just let that soak in for a second.
God…. gave His ONLY SON. Can you imagine? You have a kid…. your first kid…. and then you let him die on the cross for the rest of the world. I don’t know about you but I don’t know that I could do that. But then…. think of this–He’s dying… FOR THE WHOLE WORLD and He wants you to hold him. And you can’t.
You see, that’s what we deserve. We deserve to be that kid running up to their parents, only to be rejected. But instead- Jesus did it for us.
Grace is getting what you don’t deserve- it’s what makes life not fair (and we only like that until it is not in our favor anymore.)
All I can say is that the more I realize how much God loves me, the more I realize how amazingly good God is, the more I realize that every circumstance in my life God can always and will always use for good…. AND I DESERVE NONE OF THIS… the more I smile.
SEE…. I SMILE haha
I don’t deserve anything so when the good things come, I rejoice. And when the bad things come? Guess what I do? I REJOICE! It’s what I should be getting all along… I don’t know if that completely makes sense in words but… yeah. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I can smile and laugh no matter what’s going on around me because I’ve had a new understanding of grace.
Why do I have to be so dramatic?
Why do I have to think that the world is falling apart when one or two little things go wrong?
It’s all going to be okay-Always…in everything. God IS and ALWAYS HAS BEEN and ALWAYS WILL BE in control. It’s never been in my control.
Why do I think I am in control sometimes?
ATTITUDE. Look at the sky-it’s full of possibilities. Happiness comes and goes. I choose JOY today… I will do the same tomorrow.
I thought “today is so full of possibility.” Then my friend Freedom says, “Everyday is silly.”
Haha. It’s a daily choice to remember that.
You can choose to have a good day everyday no matter your circumstances.
We let words fly out of our mouths like it is nothing.
Ps. 15
integrity.
righteousness. speaks truth.
does not slander.
no evil.
no reproach.
not reprobate.
honors.
fears the Lord. keeps their word.
giving.
no bribing.
“…He who does these things will never be shaken.”
Prov. 15:4
“A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.”
It’s time to step it up.
We gossip like it’s an okay thing to do.
Yet, we are very hurt when we find someone else gossiping about us.
We let things come out of our mouths that should never come out. Our words will define us.
I want every word out of my life to glorify God-
-let my tongue not be something that curses and praises.
Only praise.
I want to have my words reflect a never-ending positive attitude.
I don’t want any words to come out of my mouth that I wouldn’t want repeated.
The things that come out of you are a result of what you let in.
What are you letting in?
Would you want Jesus to be in the room while you watch that show or movie?
Would you want Jesus to be in the room while you listen to that music?
Would you want Jesus to be in the room while you saw that thing on the internet?
GUESS WHAT? He’s been there the whole time.
Reevaluate what you’re letting in.
You can’t expect oranges when you plant an apple tree.
You can only expect to get what you put in.
I’ve been recently completely convicted on my words. and my attitude.
I found that they are very connected.
If I can have my focus on God, God-thoughts, and things that glorify Him, I find that my words reflect that.
And guess what happens with my attitude?
Situations that I used to complain about seem like nothing.
I can stay positive and through my words help others around me to be positive.
I do not profess to be perfect at this.
It is a daily battle…but one I am willing to fight until it is won!
EVERY SINGLE WORD should be good.
And (just to be extra cliche-ish) you cannot have GOOD without GOD.
Keep Him in the center.
You could bet your life on it.
This has been one of the craziest months for me.
At some moments I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me and all I can do is lay there, being smashed by all of the rock and trees and debris. I lay there and cry out for something, someone to come and save me. The things I once relied upon are not strong enough to help. Helpless, I eventually remember who I should cry out to. So, I cry out to the creator of the world-the one person… thing… MY GOD who can save me. He allows a few things to fall on me before He comes to my rescue. He wants to see me fully trust in Him and fully believe that in Him I should always put my trust, and my focus. He should be at the center of my life. Once He sees my heart change, He begins to lift off some of the debris. I lay there, still sobbing. I cannot believe that these other things did not satisfy or come to my rescue. I keep my eyes on Jesus, as he does the work and is lifting off all the pain, all the guilt, all the past… He pours His grace on me to ease the pain of Him ripping thorns out of my side that should never have been there to begin with. He picks me up and lays me on the stretcher to bring me to His ambulance where the true healing can begin. He pops my joints and perspective back into place. He sees where I’ve been hit and led astray and begins to do a surgery on my heart and mind. My mind is newly aligned with His. My passions are becoming the passions of His heart. As He molds me, all I can do is lay there and allow Him to do His marvelous work for I have no strength and no power to do anything in this situation. As He sits by my side and cares for me, molds me, He is still continuously pouring out His grace.
I never could have done this alone.
These earthly things that the world tells us satisfy will never do the job.
I keep my eyes on Jesus.
He is all I need.
You’re pouring your love all over me
and it’s dripping out the tops and sides and bottoms and middles
and trees full of splendid little bees about doing their purpose
how can this be that you’ve let my heart to see and experience
and take in and now to sing.
sing sing sing about your love to everybody, anybody
or the somebody that’s considered a nobody
but they are special to thee
and for that I thank thee that these things have been shown to me.
keep this mercy falling down down
and this grace falling down down
on the top of my scalp dripping down
off of my nose down around my belly button
all the way to my pinky toe cuticle that you made
and for that it is cool
and sometimes i play the fool
but still your love is all around
and it’s sprouting from the ground here and there and everywhere.
especially on this floor that i now stand
and how amazingly awesome is your plan
that cannot be thwarted by any man
no matter how big or strong or ugly or evil he be
because through you there’s victory
and it’s victory that i now speak of
and have to let out of my skin because for too long
it’s been contained there in.
Lord I praise you because you’re different
and efficient
and you’ve tweaked my spirit just enough
so that I can taste and see that you truly are good
like a fresh picked pineapple for the first time in my mouth
or the warmth of your sun on the back
of my not warm neck on a not warm day.
I’ll praise your name today and tomorrow and forever.
–spoken word by Bradley Hathaway
“I Felt Really Good This Day, Yes”
All definitions I’ve ever known have been cast away.
sur⋅ren⋅der [suh-ren-der] Show IPA
Use surrender in a Sentence
–verb (used with object)
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.
I realize that it is not for me to “to yield (something) to the possession or power of another” when I “surrender” to God. You know what surrender to God is? It is REALIZING that your life is not your own. Your choices and what you want may not be what His plan is for your life. Is it fair for me to think that I have any power or even say in my life? Yes, I do have free will BUT if this life is not my own, and I am given this, wouldn’t it be right to confide in the actual owner of my life in what I should do with it?
Surrender. I realize that this life is not my own. I must be whom I was created to be.
I’ve messed up so much.
I’ve thought that I could do it on my own while still pretending I was surrendered.
It is not enough to apologize for that which was done.
It’s time to turn around, 180 degrees, walk the other direction and FOLLOW CHRIST.
“Your grace is sufficient for me. Your strength is made perfect when I am weak. All that I cling to, I lay at your feet. Your grace is sufficient for me.”
This is a song or my family
outside the walls of Sunday morning
and some within.
This is a song to confess our sins,
lay it all out, try to begin again;
to hope again.
Please forgive our ignorance
and looking down on you. Please forgive our selfishness,
for hiding in the pews
while the world bleeds;
while the world needs us to be what we should be.
This is a song for my family
who just can’t believe in the Jesus that you see,
on Sunday morning.
This is the song for the cynical saints,
the burned out and hopeless,
the ones who’ve been calloused away,
to feel your pain.
Please forgive our wastefulness
of all that we could be.
Don’t forget, there’s more than this;
Her beauty still exists.
His bride is still alive.
This is a song for my family
inside the walls of Sunday morning. Be what you should be.
“Glory Is Here” by Michael Gungor Band
[And now, I thought you could read as I preach at myself after listening to this song.]
BE WHAT YOU SHOULD BE.
We should not hide behind the fact that we are Christians.
We need to step out.
Why are we so afraid to talk about Jesus with people?!
The enemy tries to grip us with fear when really, what do we have to lose?
Afraid of rejection?
Afraid of turning them off to ever accepting the Gospel?
Afraid of hurting your pride?
SO WHAT.
Jesus was the most rejected of all.
Are we not called to be “Christ-like”?
Do we want to or are we just pretending to want to save their souls?
Who needs a good reputation in the WORLDS eyes?
We need to look through “Kingdom glasses”.
Help me to seek first your kingdom; You’ll provide for me.
-Michael Gungor Band
Beyond reaching the people around us,
I feel like we sit around at home watching the tragedies all around the world, maybe even tear up a little bit but then walk away from our TV and continue in our comfort and forget all about the suffering that goes around most of the world. What can we do? How can we act? It’s overwhelming when you really try to think about saving the world. My revelation of the day? We’re not all called to go from country to country, feeding, clothing and housing orphans BUT we are called to be who we are supposed to be. If we are seeking God’s kingdom and not our own gain then we will even find more fulfillment in helping our neighbor. God will take care of us when we are taking care of His children.
How many times do we pass someone on the street holding a sign and assume that they are going to spend any money they receive on booze or drugs? I’m guilty of it for sure but my perspective is changing. We live in a world full of want. We tend to go through our days thinking of the next best thing we could have. If we have a cell phone or a laptop, we want a better one. We have a sufficient amount of clothes that are in good condition and yet, we desire more. We think we’re better than that person with the sign, yet we spend our money on just as pointless things. Who cares if they’re gonna spend their money on something we wouldn’t want them to? Think about it-if you keep giving them money, maybe they’ll see Jesus through you. Where did we get the idea that we deserve the money we have and they don’t anyway?
I then look at the people in a third world country who are scavenging for food and just wish they could have clean water so they don’t get sick anymore. I think of how they have so little, so they value the things we take for granted. I kind of wish I could do an experiment. What happens when they are placed into our environment of “opportunity” and wealth. Would they be content? Or would they desire bottled water once they had clean water for a while?
Philipians 4 talks about how Paul has learned to be content with much and content with little. Often we find Phil. 4:15 taken out of context though. “I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength,” it says. He is not explaining how all things are possible through Christ (although it is), but if you look at the context you see that Paul is saying that we are rich in Christ. We have no want because what Jesus did for us is all we need. I can be satisfied in the small things because Christ is my portion.
I’ve been thinking about this for the last few weeks. Every time I’m at the store I pick some things that I “want” and find myself putting it back on the shelf because I realize that I do not need it at all. Why do I need this shirt? To add to the huge collection I have at home? To help build my self esteem when someone tells me that they like it? Probably both. Either way, I think that it is a tragedy that mankind has found itself worshipping the creation more than the creator. This is an internal battle, internal chains of want. Our needs are met. Should we not use our surplus to help that child who actually does not have their needs met?
She’s so pretty.
