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New Season

Here we go. I’m taking the plunge–not by choice but by time’s force.
I’m done with PBC. I feel like I never really lived my life before here…and now it is over.
I’m forced to grow up now. I have to make grown up decisions.
I hate making decisions.
God, what is going on? I think that the longer I was at PBC the more I realized I know nothing and am capable of nothing on my own. I must live a life in complete, total and utter surrender to You. There is no hope if I go it alone.
Today a friend and I were talking about how sad a life it must be to live a life without Jesus. There is no hope without the hope in the creator. Life is full of disappointments but God takes those and turns them around for His glory. Joy comes from glorifying Him.
Oh God, I love you. I don’t know what’s next but you haven’t led me astray yet so I’ll put my trust in You. You are everything I need and all I could ever want.
Thank you.

This is where I stand since my last post. God’s done some work.

Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? And are you ready to make the accusation that since people like me, who seek to be justified by Christ, aren’t perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to sin? The accusation is frivolous. If I was “trying to be good,” I would be reconstructing the same old barn that I tore down and acting as a charlatan. What actually took place is this: I tried keeping the rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work; so I quit so that I could simply be, so I could live in harmony with God. Christ’s life showed me how and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him; indeed I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven [even] to please God. Christ lives in me: the life you see me living is lived by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God’s grace. If a living relationship with God came by rule keeping, then Christ died gratuitously. We are justified by faith in Christ. Justification means being put together the way we are supposed to be. Made right–not improved, not decorated, not veneered, not patched up, but justified. Our fundamental being is set in right relationship with God. This setting right is not impersonal fixing; it is personal reconciliation. We are never right in ourselves, but only in response to and as a result of God working in and through us.

Gal. 2–The Message

Can I be brutally honest?

I hate love stories.
Mostly because I am not enjoying my own… haven’t been for a while.
This Christmas break feels more empty than usual.
I sit here at my favorite coffee shop alone.
I turn up my folk music and wish you were here with me…
whoever you are.
wherever you are.
I hate this reality.
I know most people can relate who are living in my season of life–I’ve talked to some of you. Why do we desire a significant other so much sometimes? I was thinking about that on my drive here.
It’s not a specific someone I miss. It’s A someone.
But I realize that the void I try to fill with this person… isn’t supposed to be filled the way the world tells me.
Sorry I haven’t hung out with you much, God.
If it’s possible-sorry for leaving you waiting. You are infinite but if I pretend for a second that you feel the way about me the way that I feel towards that someone out there…. well, sorry for keeping you waiting. I hate waiting. I hate this.
So, I’ll hang out with you.
Can I buy you a coffee?
Wanna listen to this new song I just downloaded? I think you’d like it.
Oh Christmas. I don’t have mad, sad or bad memories of you… but the good ones make me not want to get disappointed this year.
I’m sorry for those of you who are reading this and are wondering why I even wrote this.
I have no idea.
When I sit alone for a while I feel like I need to talk to someone, anyone… no one is probably listening. And i expect no one to respond. BUT is it okay to just want to talk?
I miss you… whoever you are.
The chair across from me looks empty.
But God… you’ll do. You’ll do forever. This cosmic battle within.
How could I even say the words “God, you’ll do.”????? He’s so perfect. Why am I not always satisfied?
Ugh. I hate my life.
but i don’t.
i hate this feeling. this moment of me thinking this way.
so there you go….
just being brutally honest with whoever you are.

My love letter: I am in love.

You set my life up in such a way that I learn everything in perfect timing–I’m ready for any obstacle that comes my way. Flawless. You are flawless! You are so good. I cannot find fulfillment in anyone or anything but YOU!! OH WOW. I am in love! You give me gifts right and left. You spoil me. You make my life easier. You support me when I am weak. You correct me when I am wrong. You speak to me when the world is silent. You like to just hang out when there is nothing I want to hear. You push me to be greater. You let the hard times come so that I can grow. You love me…. whoa. YOU…love…. ME??
I don’t deserve you.
There is nothing I can do to make it up to you.
I’ve never done anything to deserve any of this.
I will worship you for all eternity but there is still lack in me.
I love you I love you I love you.
I’ll sing it forever.
I love you I love you I love you.

Lessons from Israel

When God makes a promise, He’ll come through.

When I complain, timing may be pushed back.
When I’m disobedient, timing may be pushed back.
When I’m prideful, timing may be pushed back.
I don’t want my promise to come in 40 years when it could have taken a week.

God didn’t give Israel ten tons of Manna as they walked out into the wilderness, so why should I think that I will have everything I need before I need it?
“Give us today our daily bread.”
God wants me to step out and rely on Him alone.

I want to learn my lessons the first time around.
I don’t want my pride in victory to cause me to have to learn humility over and over and over and over again.

God calls us to be a peculiar people–a people who calls everyone else to join instead of boasting in their accomplishments.
Our accomplishments would not be made possible without the hand of God on our lives.

Lessons on relating to boys

This is for all the guys who I’ve led on.
This is for my future husband.

I was not playing a game.
But, there is no good excuse.
Only one of you are supposed to be my best friend.
I hate the skin-deep relationships.
But for you, husband, I will refrain.
These friendships come easy.
But I have to release the easy…
…the hard is what’s more worth-while.

“It doesn’t matter who you are, it’s not time yet.”

I’ve got my own mountains to climb on my own.
I am not ready.
I have so much to work out in me.
I am so far from what I’m supposed to be.

This is for the girls who know exactly what I’m saying.

We gotta stick it out.
We gotta stick together.
Girls can be catty.
Let’s not.
Let’s band together.
Let’s do the dance of becoming who we are.
It happens once in a lifetime.
Boys cannot form our identity.
God gives us our identity.
It is in Him alone.
Men find us once we are in our own identity.

soul:spirit

Soul: mind, will & emotions.
Spirit: communion, intuition & conscience.

My spirit must lead my soul. When the two are not in correct alignment is when I start making choices that follow my emotions and carnal nature. I want to do what God wants. His desires are what is always best. HE’S GOD. Why would I ever think that my own ideas would turn out better than His?

I want to be a spirit-led woman.

Sometimes I think my soul speaks louder than my spirit… that’s why I have to be in the Word more…to strengthen my spirit.

It’s all about Jesus in the end… my soul forgets this while my spirit is constantly trying to remind me.
I gotta quit even thinking of how I need to change and just focus on the person of Jesus and PRAISE HIM. If I do that, I would automatically change anyway–He has that kind of effect on people.

He Never Relents

re·lent   [ri-lent]
—verb (used without object)
to soften in feeling, temper, or determination; become more mild, compassionate, or forgiving.

—Synonyms
bend, yield.

You won’t relent until you have it all… –Misty Edwards

God wants ALL of me.
The art of losing myself has often meant to me that in specific areas of my life I have to lay things down. Today I was discussing one of these with my best friend Ali… she hit me with this text:

Refocus your eyes. Count it all as loss. Every friendship, every situation. It’s all Jesus. That’s all it should be… God won’t relent until He has all of you. Your attention, your feelings, your emotions… He lets us choose him or the other thing. So He’ll wait patiently.

It was like… what a thought. He wants it all. It’s all about HIM–NOT me. It’s not about my future or my aspirations, my likes, my discomforts…. what I want…
ITS ABOUT HIM before anything else. So, when something goes differently than how I wish it would or I want something God doesn’t want me to have… I need to remember that. When my will is on auto-pilot, that’s when i get into trouble. I must be intentional. Nobody said this life was easy… but it does get easier when you stop trying to do any of it on your own.

My life is not my own.

Learning this art of losing myself is a long process… but I think that the reason it must be learned over and over is because once learned, it will stick and never waiver. It’s like learning to ride a bike. It hurts when you fall while you’re learning and for some it may take a long time but once you’ve learned, you never forget.

i Am Most Richly Blessed

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve.
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked God for health that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy.
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for
but everything I had hoped for…

In spite of myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men most richly blessed.”

(Attributed to an Unknown Confederate Soldier)